Friday, September 11, 2009

Why are guys attracted to crazy girls?

Glamour blogger Shallon Lester brought this issue up last week. Why are guys sometimes attracted to those emotionally unstable, unpredictable women? She suggests,
I think guys secretly like the drama. Maybe it makes them feel alive or brings some action to their otherwise dull lives. Or, perhaps it reminds them of the chaos of their own family life as a child ... Or, they could just be weak guys who like being dominated and repressed.

Lauren Fritsky, in response suggests possibly, "men need to feel needed" and and are with such crazy women to boost self-esteem.

Ami Angelowicz, to one up them all, adds five possible theories (ht Glenn Reynolds)

1. Men love to be heroes. They love to “fix” things. It makes them feel needed, important, and feeds the male ego. Who makes a better damsel in distress than a poor, defenseless lunachic? Note to guys: a woman is not like a house. Fixer-uppers do not usually turn out to be a wise investment. If you need to fix something, there are plenty of us normal single girls out there who need some light bulbs changed.
2. If she’s crazy day to day, chances are she’s crazy in the sack. But men don’t really care about sex that much, do they? Wait … I think they might.
3. He has mommy issues. If a guy had a dysfunctional mother (or primary family member) he may not actually be aware that his lady’s behavior is NOT normal. There’s no shame in going to therapy and working that stuff out.
4. Need to figure out your future career? Money troubles? Feeling anxious or depressed? Having a GF with problems much worse than your own is a wonderful distraction. Warning: she will only make your problems worse.
5. He is not ready for a real intimate and committed relationship, and we all pick the wrong kind of person when we’re not ready. As soon as he envisions a lifetime of cracked-out antics, chances are he’ll be on the road to Mrs. Rightville, ASAP

As a guy who has in the past been attracted to some crazy chicks I think I'm in a position to provide insight. From my perspective, I think Shallon Lester gets closest to the truth.

First, I should say, that this is not something confined to just guys. People in general are attracted to "crazy" people, in the sense that we're talking about here (see the movie Withnail & I for a perfect example of a crazy guy like this). The key to this type craziness is a lack of inhibitions which is what leads to the mood swings, the unpredictable actions, and the inability to really make long term commitments. Such people are attractive because they're more interesting, more exciting, more unpredictable. People who deviate from expectations are just plain more interesting and we're attracted to them.

Many people are scared by such unpredictable people, but others are simultaneously attracted to them. The men who are attracted to these crazy chicks (like me when I was younger) are definitely not going to be more dominant personalities ("more spineless," one might say) and are also probably going to be more open to novel experiences. And, I sort of agree with Angelowicz on number 5: if a guy starts thinking long term with a crazy girlfriend he's going to have to think either that he can somehow tame her, without losing the excitement of her crazyiness (unlikely, but a guy can still dream right?) or he's going to drop her for someone more stable.


Mike said...

I can't believe how this guy and women in general tend to over analyze this issue. How funny. Guys aren't attracted to crazy women they are simply attracted to hot women, crazy or not. Consequently, a lot of hot women happen to be crazy. That's just the name of the game. The more attention a girl gets from the opposite sex, consequently the crazier she will be and no it's not because the guy wants to "fix" the girl or that he secretly likes drama because of his family or any other pseudo Freudian psycho babble. A guy will simply put up with a girl's crazy ass according to how hot she is and how much she is willing to put out. Society tends to put a facade of false complexity over male and female sexuality.

Anonymous said...

I have had an amount of craziness and dysfunction with all my exes. I had a child with my first who ended up being an over-protective spoilt brat who has denied me a relationship in child's life. Second I got married to a girl with BPD and divorced really quickly when finding out. Third I was with a girl for a number of years but I guess deep down knew that we could never be married due to the insane amount of dysfunction.

So I think I have the experience to talk. I'm quite well educated. I think the issue here for me is these women are like a drug; they're addictive. Obviously we develop feelings for them too which go hand-in-hand with the addiction to the excitement. We like the unpredictability because it makes what is a pretty mundane life for the most part seem exciting. However, if we're honest with ourselves, when it comes to marriage, we need stability, love and lack of drama. When we appreciate our true worth we know that we can't live with the drug and we need to go into rehab and find a healthy relationship (however mundane that is on the surface of it) not a dependency. When we know the kind of family life we envisage and pray for it, please G-d we should merit to be blessed with our soulmate.

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Anonymous said...

Spot on!

Anonymous said...

" Guys aren't attracted to crazy women they are simply attracted to hot women" true, but many of those men (the ones I have come across) also have "mommy" issues, and want a "mommy" replica. there are also a fair share that like to be dominated and enjoy the wacko, hitting and screaming behavior- ive even seen guys take this shit from women that are not that hot and there were other options.

Anna Clarke said...

That's really true that men are attracted towards the crazy girls just because a crazy girl can add spark to men's life. It's the craziness of girls that make boys falling for them all the time. Great read!

Anonymous said...

As a "crazy" woman, I'd like to say this,
There are some of us chicks out there who recognize that crazy side and are looking for someone to help work on that. Men with mommy issues and women with daddy issues, we are two sides of the same coin.
A couple like this, when both working out their own issues together and separately, can form a very therapeutic relationship and an unbreakable bond where those previous core wounds are healed.
You just have to find a crazy chick who is open about her issues and are willing to work on them with you, and the same for you! :)
There are many articles online and self help books that can really put a better perspective on this sort of thing, rather than articles like this.
The truth is, you're attracted to these crazy women for a reason.

Mingle Weave said...

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Anonymous said...

In my experience as a man i can say a firm no to wanting to be dominated. My case did relate to unseen issues of the damage left from my emotionally unavailable mother.

My childhood is filled with memories of her tyrades. The constant drama and her victim mentality even though she was the real abuser. I couldnt link her to my issues until i reached my early 20s. By then i had been in 2 bad relationships that left me worse off.

When the relationship was good it was like drugs, that void you could never fill until they came in and seemed to fit just perfectly there. Thats the feeling i still vividly remember and even miss. Its a lie that you have to force yourself to realize. That there is nothing that you did to make her this way, and nothing you can do to change or help her. If she wants help there could be opportunity but if they arent seeing a professional about it then move on.

Anonymous said...

well, as a guy who has put up with a lot of crazy women, i can say that the main reason i do it is because i really strongly believe that there is no alternative. the only girls that don't put up a big fuss over things are girls with no self esteem, and those girls have no ambition and nothing to offer. girls are just crazy sometimes and we put up with it, because we have to

Mix said...

If your man is pushing you away and acting distant

Or if the guy you’re after isn’t giving you the time of day...

Then it’s time to pull out all the stops.

Because 99% of the time, there is only 1 thing you can say to a standoffish guy that will grab him by the heartstrings-

And get his blood pumping at just the thought of you.

Insert subject line here and link it to: Your ex won’t be able to resist?

Once you say this to him, or even send this simple phrase in a text message...

It will flip his world upside down and you will suddenly find him chasing you-

And even begging to be with you.

Here’s what I’m talking about:

Insert subject line here and link it to: Is your man hiding something? He may need your help?

Thanks again.


Anonymous said...

Not me.

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